"What are you looking for?" Seb called as I was searching the dewy grass over with my flashlight. Looking for whatever insect was shining like a beacon. But it (the question) speaks true for my journey here, and elsewhere. And to answer it... I haven't the slightest. What am I looking for? An answer? What kind of answer am I hoping for?
The farm proved to be so much more useful in life application then I ever could've imagined. I thought I was going to learn a little bit about how to work the land (truth be told, I've always wanted to live on a commune... and now even more I want to work, if not volunteer, but mostly work on a ranch in Montana! MONTANA! I've never been. The BIG Sky state. I can't imagine the stars there at night. Breath-taking, I imagine.), but I ended up learning a whole lot about myself, and it was really overwhelming - both in a good and bad way.
The last night that Seb was there (he ended up leaving early because he needed to go meet his gf in another area, and boy! I really did not like living in the woods by myself. Paranoia took over at night, especially after reading this book about how human bones that date back to over 100 million years ago have been discovered, and how Harry and the Hendersons Neanderthals are actually still around today, but we call them "Sasquatch" and "Yeti" and other things of that nature. I was thinking about them when I heard branches break, and yes, because I couldn't lock the doors of the house and my room I put barriers up between them and me as an alarm. Okay, so I'm 25, but you try living in the basically wilderness by yourself and see if you don't behave the same way. Okay?) we had a big discussion - well, really he just talked a lot about society's problems and how we can't really change anything but ourselves (and it's basically true) and the world's ideologies and not having attachment to things and family (but I can't not attach to my family, I love them, and he said it wasn't about love, but they're just people... oh! I can't even comprehend most of the things he talked about, I'm not ready for it yet. As you might be able to tell from my ramblings.) and after I found myself gritting my teeth thinking that he'd never stop lecturing - in a sense - he asked me how I was doing, how I felt about everything, or something along those lines, and before I knew it, I was spilling my guts out to him. From everything we had talked about from my own views to family life, relationships, to fears and dreams, things I had only thought about and written about for who knows how long - to have someone actually listen to them - with genuine interest and non-judgement - and to respond, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest and I could actually breathe! "Huh! So this is how I really do feel!" It was quite a marvelous thing, and I really appreciate meeting Seb because he was truly a wonderful human being; I asked him what his dream was, and he said, "To see all the people of the world love each other." and it might seem a bit corny, but I guess it really shouldn't, because why can't we? As the Indian man who I met in the Krishna temple in Udipi (or Udupi, either is correct) yesterday said, "We're worse than the animals." in terms of our behavior towards each other and the world, too, I suppose. Then Seb asked me what my dream was, and sheepishly I responded that I wanted to share other people's stories. It didn't seem as grand on the human scale of things, pretty selfish actually, but it's true. That is my dream. I know I have a lot of work to do before I get there, but there's a Louisa May Alcott quote that I really love (and I'm going to paraphrase here) where she talks about how up in the stars that's where her dreams lie, and while she may not reach them, she always knows they're there and she can see them and long for them. And who knows if that's really relevant to what I'm typing or not. I'm just throwing out a whole bunch of thoughts right now because the keyboard is at my fingertips.
And going back to my fears, I think my main one is about change. Because after this whole experience abroad, how can I not change? How will I change? Or what if I don't, and I stay the same? I don't think I was that terrible a person before I left? Maybe I was even good? I'm not sure? But, I just feel, after seeing the way that other people live (and how we're all pretty much the same) that I should be a bit different. Will I still be able to relate? I don't know. I honestly and truly don't know. And that's terrifying to me, but also exciting. I just - sigh - don't know. According to the Buddha, that's a good place to be, and I remember in talking to an older gentleman at a Chicago Dramatists' function way back when in 2008(?) that he said that no one really knows anything from what's going on to what they want to be, they just get better at pretending as they get older.
So, rambly, bambly, boo. That's - I guess - all I have to say to you. Goodnight, and adieu, plus, most likely, I love you.
The farm proved to be so much more useful in life application then I ever could've imagined. I thought I was going to learn a little bit about how to work the land (truth be told, I've always wanted to live on a commune... and now even more I want to work, if not volunteer, but mostly work on a ranch in Montana! MONTANA! I've never been. The BIG Sky state. I can't imagine the stars there at night. Breath-taking, I imagine.), but I ended up learning a whole lot about myself, and it was really overwhelming - both in a good and bad way.
The last night that Seb was there (he ended up leaving early because he needed to go meet his gf in another area, and boy! I really did not like living in the woods by myself. Paranoia took over at night, especially after reading this book about how human bones that date back to over 100 million years ago have been discovered, and how Harry and the Hendersons Neanderthals are actually still around today, but we call them "Sasquatch" and "Yeti" and other things of that nature. I was thinking about them when I heard branches break, and yes, because I couldn't lock the doors of the house and my room I put barriers up between them and me as an alarm. Okay, so I'm 25, but you try living in the basically wilderness by yourself and see if you don't behave the same way. Okay?) we had a big discussion - well, really he just talked a lot about society's problems and how we can't really change anything but ourselves (and it's basically true) and the world's ideologies and not having attachment to things and family (but I can't not attach to my family, I love them, and he said it wasn't about love, but they're just people... oh! I can't even comprehend most of the things he talked about, I'm not ready for it yet. As you might be able to tell from my ramblings.) and after I found myself gritting my teeth thinking that he'd never stop lecturing - in a sense - he asked me how I was doing, how I felt about everything, or something along those lines, and before I knew it, I was spilling my guts out to him. From everything we had talked about from my own views to family life, relationships, to fears and dreams, things I had only thought about and written about for who knows how long - to have someone actually listen to them - with genuine interest and non-judgement - and to respond, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest and I could actually breathe! "Huh! So this is how I really do feel!" It was quite a marvelous thing, and I really appreciate meeting Seb because he was truly a wonderful human being; I asked him what his dream was, and he said, "To see all the people of the world love each other." and it might seem a bit corny, but I guess it really shouldn't, because why can't we? As the Indian man who I met in the Krishna temple in Udipi (or Udupi, either is correct) yesterday said, "We're worse than the animals." in terms of our behavior towards each other and the world, too, I suppose. Then Seb asked me what my dream was, and sheepishly I responded that I wanted to share other people's stories. It didn't seem as grand on the human scale of things, pretty selfish actually, but it's true. That is my dream. I know I have a lot of work to do before I get there, but there's a Louisa May Alcott quote that I really love (and I'm going to paraphrase here) where she talks about how up in the stars that's where her dreams lie, and while she may not reach them, she always knows they're there and she can see them and long for them. And who knows if that's really relevant to what I'm typing or not. I'm just throwing out a whole bunch of thoughts right now because the keyboard is at my fingertips.
And going back to my fears, I think my main one is about change. Because after this whole experience abroad, how can I not change? How will I change? Or what if I don't, and I stay the same? I don't think I was that terrible a person before I left? Maybe I was even good? I'm not sure? But, I just feel, after seeing the way that other people live (and how we're all pretty much the same) that I should be a bit different. Will I still be able to relate? I don't know. I honestly and truly don't know. And that's terrifying to me, but also exciting. I just - sigh - don't know. According to the Buddha, that's a good place to be, and I remember in talking to an older gentleman at a Chicago Dramatists' function way back when in 2008(?) that he said that no one really knows anything from what's going on to what they want to be, they just get better at pretending as they get older.
So, rambly, bambly, boo. That's - I guess - all I have to say to you. Goodnight, and adieu, plus, most likely, I love you.
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