A Crystal Ball (of sorts)

I know I've said this before, but sometimes you need to get lost in order to find yourself. Today's been another weird day here on Guam with me trying to wrap my head around my new surroundings. I don't know what exactly drew me to it, but I felt the urge to look back on a previous me, and this is what I found... my five year plan that I wrote for my super senior semester's capstone class at the University of Missouri (December 2007). It overwhelmed me to see that I am in process of actually realizing my dreams (granted they get a little crazy towards the end, but we'll work on that when we get there), and surprised me that the now me is impressed by what the then me wrote. Sometimes getting to the place you want to go can be so difficult, but nothing worth doing or having is ever easy.

Maybe I do know what I want after all...

Oh, to be Young!

by Kate Schriner

            When I was nine, I believed I would be in Hollywood, seriously dating Jonathan Taylor Thomas and driving a red convertible - it didn't matter what kind - by the age of sixteen. At 22, none of these dreams have been realized. I’ve been writing and interested in theatre as far back as I can remember. I’ve also been in school for as long as I can remember. Now the formalized educational part of my life is coming to a close, and I am at a loss of what to do with myself. I have many plans; oh, I have plans that could fuel 1,000 dreams, but the reality of these plans coming to fruition is terrifying. People tell me that I control my own destiny, that with drive and determination I can do anything; that the world is my oyster, and the pearl is waiting. I feel I’m too young to be cynical, but I know that I am skeptical of what the future holds. I want to change the world, but I also realize that I am but one person on this populated planet and I’m seemingly going to have to stand in line wherever I go.

            It’s kind of sad that I didn’t realize the American Dream was a hoax until well into my sophomore year of college. Switching to a state university after attending a private school was a dramatic change that I took a while to accept. Throughout my years of education, my significance has paled to the numbers surrounding me; elementary, I was one of 50, middle school, one of 150, high school, one of 300, college, one of 35,000, and now the world, one in a billion, trillion, gazillion. I don’t even know. At the same time, I did accept the change, and I made it work for me so that my education fit my needs. Against all advice of my family members, I ecstatically became a Theatre major with an emphasis in playwriting, and happily, for Mom and Dad and Step-Dad and Step-Mom and Brother, a Sociology minor – at least I’ll have something to fall back on?

            Now the question: Where do I see myself in five years? What? Where do I see myself in one year, maybe, but I can barely think ahead to next week, let alone five years down the road. So much can change within a day, an hour, a minute, a second; a moment. I have no definitive answer as to what I will do, but I know what I would like to do; my ridiculous post-graduation plans included staying in Columbia, Missouri, because I have a lease on an apartment that runs until May.

While residing in a college town, no longer being a college student, I planned on holding two or more minimum wage positions at local establishments; I already work at Flat Branch, and maybe I’d pick up part-time at Starbuck’s so I can qualify for their health insurance, and then one other little thing on the side. When May rolls around, I would have already applied for multiple positions in theatre companies around the country, and maybe even outside the borders, for apprenticeships, or lower-level entry work – and maybe I’d even have some interviews by then, too.

I talked to my Dad last week (last week! I am guided to this realization) and he told me it was unacceptable for a college graduate to be working 2-3 minimum wage jobs at 60+ hours a week, barely scraping by and not making enough to cover student loan payments. It’s true. Why didn’t I think of that before? I didn’t expensively test my potential for 4+ years just to serve someone coffee and French fries; it’s not satisfying, and I don’t enjoy it. But, I also didn’t think I would have to establish myself at a well-paying, salaried, desk job just to foot the bills and find the means to do what I want to do. I’m scared of that desk job, because what if it’s so enticing, like waitress’ money, that the money’s too good to leave? Because I want to be an artist does that mean I have to be unhappy and/or struggling for a good portion of my adult life? I don’t know, maybe it will develop my work in ways I never thought possible.

Self-confidence: therein lies the problem, I think. I don’t think I know what I’m capable of, and I know I won’t know until I try. It’s just everything has been planned out for me up until the point of college graduation, and then, it’s a push out the door and “You’re on your own now, kiddo!” What? Wait! I’m not ready. I don’t know where to go; what if I choose the wrong path? Can I ever go back? Is there a right path? This is the rest of my life? It terrifies me, because I could seriously let myself down. Somehow, I have to make that my driving force; Russ Tutterow at Chicago Dramatists told me that if I don’t do something for myself, no one else will, it has to be me.

My horizons need to be expanded, I know that much. The bubble of Columbia has kept me sheltered long enough. I want to see the world, I’ve wanted to since I was a kid and found out that giant pyramids stand in an empty Egyptian desert, buildings and technology in China close out the forests and the Bamboo-eating Panda Bears that inhabit them, Roman cathedrals scrape the sky and touch God’s hand. And the people! There are so many people in this world, living so many different types of lives, and I want to experience them and I want to understand them, and tell their story, because if I don’t, who will?

            I think I can be an English teacher, for non-English speaking students. It would give me the chance to travel and have a stable income to help alleviate student loan debt, and not only travel, but have the ability to immerse myself in another culture. I never got the chance to study abroad during my undergraduate studies, and I feel like if I don’t go overseas now, I might never get the chance. Working and living abroad is one thing I know I would horribly regret if I don’t take advantage of it while I am young and able to make the move without being tied down by a family, or another job. Another thing I would like to do in my travels is explore the theatre cultures of other countries. Many artists were influenced and inspired by things they experienced in traveling outside of their cultural comfort zones, and who’s to deny me that same privilege? I sure won’t do it to myself.

               Looking into the five-year future of my crystal ball, I see myself alive and happy. I have a second language under my belt, whether it is Spanish, Chinese, or some country I didn’t even think about while writing this. I had a two-year overseas experience after graduating from the University of Missouri after taking four months prior to get my travel plans and finances in order. Upon my return to America, I used my knowledge and skills gained from my life abroad to acquire a salaried job at Leo Burnett, a leading marketing firm in Chicago. During the nights and weekends, I spent my time taking improv classes at The Second City (or iO) and volunteering at local theatre companies to help pay for my membership and repay their services in getting my scripts produced. I stayed in Chicago for another two years until I got an invitation to attend the Julliard School for all things theatre, performing and writing. And that’s where I am now. It took a long time, but with hard-work and perseverance, I made it back to the Big Apple, and once I graduate, I’m going to take the West Coast by storm and rip Hollywood a new one. And no one ever saw it coming, but it happened.
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OKay, so I'm re-reading this on September 12, 2011, making a few minor changes and thinking to myself, "My, I'm a rambler." And also, perhaps ESL Round Two, how do you do? There's more to be said, in less words, of course.