It's all uphill from here...

[Updated: hopefully not as mopey this time around. Also, this is by no means a version of me waving my hands saying, "Hey! Here I am - where are you?!" just me dealing with my own issues of "Whoa. What am I doing? Where am I? Who took my water bottle?" This too shall pass. I'm just overly emotional sometimes. Hah. Sometimes. That's silly. --Why is it so hard to do things that should seemingly come so easily like being nice to people even if you don't like them, or smiling and being cheery when it's in your job description? Life could be worse, and I'm in a pretty wonderful place - geographically - right now so I need to focus on that. I sang and whistled at work this morning so things are back to normal.]

Yesterday was by far the most emotionally draining day I've had since I've been here - that I've had in a while. I think I would've been okay had it not been for the Christmas music they have playing on repeat in the dining hall. Everything is "I'll be home for Christmas" this and "I'll have a blue Christmas without you" that. I've been away from home 15 months now, and I'm not going back for another five to six. My heart breaks a little each time I think of it like that. I cried a little on chair yesterday - and what do you know, I broke into tears and whimpers recalling that - awesome. I know, I know. I chose this for myself, and it's more than wonderful here - paradise, even! - and the work (if you can even call it that) is fun, although it can be so draining to be "on" all the time (especially working an 11-hour shift, but we’ll get to how I make it through the 6-10p in another post).

"WATER AEROBICS!" "BEACH VOLLEYBALL!" "LET'S GO WINDSURFING, EVERYBODY!!" or “HOW’R’BOUT SNORKELING, PEOPLE?!” Those sound awful, right? So I know I shouldn't be sad (I shouldn’t!), but I blame it on the 'tis the season nonsense and being a mopeyface in my darkened dorm room (sunshine is magic!). Anyway, after worrying that I'm fading from peoples' thoughts and memories back home I shook myself out of it and reminded myself that family will always be there, and so will the people who truly matter, and those people that do disappear, well, it was more than wonderful to have them in my life for a time, however short it may have been, and I’m thankful for the things I learned from them and the person they helped me become. I straightened myself up in my chair (by the way, no one was in my pool at the time - a few were off to the side - we're slow this week) and started thinking about all the people that I love and care about and I went through each person and sent peace and love out to them. Did you feel it? It made me so happy to go through people from all the different places I’ve been in my life, and feel so grateful to have so many people that mean a lot to me. Afterwards I remembered I should give some of that peace and loving to myself, too, and I felt much better after that. It actually ate up a lot of time, so that was another plus because watching an empty pool can be a bit mind-numbing.

In yoga, when you're doing strenuous poses or holding one for a longer breath count, you're to focus on the breath to get you through the difficulty and that in turn helps you breathe through difficult situations in life. In addition, one of my favorite podcasts to do is www.yogadownload.com's Metta Yoga (or "Loving Kindness" Power Yoga #4 -- FYI: do the podcasts because they're free, unless you want to pay - then hey, more power to you) where the instructor has you inventory all the people in your life in those that you have positive, negative and neutral feelings towards, and you send peace and love to them.

Basically, right now is really hard because I miss everyone so so so much (so much) and I have to hug myself because sometimes long hugs just aren't the same from strangers (they get weirded out when you try to nuzzle into their armpit), but it will get easier; I’m just having a harder time adjusting to this new change than I thought. I will find the balance between being the crazy Clubmate who makes guests' experiences here more enjoyable and the soul who can find quiet and calm time in solitude by the sea. I just need to focus on taking everything moment by moment, and when I miss someone send a little love their way. It's difficult right now, but I feel like I'm at the hump of it and it will only get easier from here. (Granted I'll probably cry a little bit every day, especially when Christmas songs about loved ones dancing around the tree come on, or as I watch "It's A Wonderful Life!," but six months is a short time in the scheme of things – and a lot of friends want to come visit now that I live on a tropical island! - I hope, and nothing worth doing is ever easy.)

Something for everyone to try and always remember:

(PS - the post's title is from "Due Date" and if you haven't seen it, you should. Very funny. Zach Galifianakis is a tour de force.)

But seriously, who took my water bottle? I wrote my name on it...